This week’s blog features our friend Melissa Lunardini, Children’s Bereavement Manager at The Elizabeth Hospice in San Diego, California.
Bella Valadez was 13 years old when her brother Paul died from a seizure at age 15. “I looked up to my brother. Being from a single-parent household with no male figure around, my brother was more than a brother. He was the person I spent the most time with. He was my role model.”
The grief that is experienced when a sibling dies is unique. Sibling relationships can often be the only relationship where you are experiencing life and learning in a close developmental age range. Due to this special circumstance, siblings tend to develop bonds that consist of uniquely shared experiences, memories, packs and secrets. Siblings can be heard saying that it feels like a piece of them is missing when a brother or sister dies. The holidays can be a strong reminder that a sibling is gone. Siblings often rely on each other during the holiday season. Whether that be sneaking food on Thanksgiving and playfully blaming it on each other or sneaking a peak at presents early, siblings are usually each other’s partner in crime.
We asked Bella about what she wished adults would know about sibling loss during the holidays.
“It’s lonely. My brother and I would spend most of our time together. Before he died, my house was full of life. It was loud, noisy, there was always something going on. Now, it’s quiet. It’s just me and my mom. There’s a void. Even if it is supposed to be a happy day, we know that he is missing, and he is supposed to be here.”
“I’m grieving and need support too. When Paul died, there was more support for my mom than for me. People would come over and check in on her and talk with her. I barely got asked how I was doing. People just thought that her grief was bigger than mine. The holidays can be really hard because IF people remember to check in on my mom, they don’t always remember to check in on me.”
“I feel obligated to be strong. At first after Paul died were struggling with funeral costs and my mom was struggling on many levels. I felt like I had to be strong for my mom rather than focusing on my mental health. So early on, I didn’t show my grief to my mom until we got into counseling. We weren’t sure how to handle the holidays after Paul’s death. Should we keep it the same? Change it? Or not celebrate it at all? We had to talk to each other to see how we wanted to handle the holidays.”
“I feel guilty. After my brother died, I remember saying to my mom it should have been me. I should have been the one to pass away. He was the helpful one. I wish someone would have told me that I was useful and important and that I didn’t need to fill my brother’s shoes. During the holidays I still feel this way sometimes. I wish he was here to see all the new things out these days. I had to give myself permission to be happy during the holidays.”
“It changed me. At first, my brother’s death negatively changed. I had anxiety and depression. I isolated myself. After family and individual counseling and grief group, I am in a different place. I was able to come out of my shell by sharing my voice and experience. Our first holiday was hard, very hard. It was hard to believe that he was gone and wasn’t going to be there. His death changed the way I view holidays and now I am grateful for time with my family.”
Experiences like Bella’s can be common amongst siblings during the holidays. It is important that as adults we find ways to support our children and teens as they navigate this heavy loss. Here are some helpful tips for parents and professionals to keep in mind when offering support.
Checking in. Make sure that someone is checking in on siblings and validating their grief experience. It doesn’t have to be a parent; it can be an aunt, grandparent, family friend, counselor, therapist, coach, etc. Remember that this check-in process is life-long. You will check in a ton in the first few years of grief and then every so often on milestones, special days, and events. Ask them if they want to share a memory about their sibling or share one of favorite holiday memories that their sibling was a part of.
Include them. Allow kids to be part of any planning process for special days or major changes around the house. Ask them what they what to preserve and let go of as far as holiday traditions go. Including them in decisions makes your child feel like the relationship with their sibling mattered. If you have several children and they don’t agree on what to do, try to find ways to take ideas from each of them and incorporate those ideas into the overall day.
Quality time. Find the time and ways to be present for your living child(ren). Some living siblings say that they can feel like they are living in the shadow of their deceased brother or sister. To avoid this, consider creating new traditions that is not grief-related but instead makes new memories and builds new connections.
Show your grief. Modeling healthy coping and grieving are essential to your child’s understanding of how to navigate his or her grief journey. It is ok to cry, feel sick, be moody, need a time out, be forgetful, make mistakes, etc. Explaining to your child where you are coming from is how they will learn. “I’m crying right now because I am missing your brother. I need to cry to feel better. There is nothing to worry about. I will be ok once I let my feelings out. We can work on baking the cookies in about an hour after I take a little time for myself.”
Talk it out. Recognize that guilt and other heavy feelings can play a role in a sibling’s grief process. It is important to reassure the child that their thoughts, feelings, or actions did not cause their sibling’s death. Talking about self-forgiveness and teaching them about the importance of not letting negative self-talk occupy space in their bodies are important to their healing. Remind children that they are useful, important and loved.
Embrace changes. Roles, routines, norms, and identities can change after a sibling dies. Touch base with children and give them choice and voice through these changes. For example, maybe you want to start a new tradition that honors your loved one’s life. It can be as simple as lighting a candle and saying a prayer, setting up a stocking, or even buying a new ornament for the tree. Asking your living children how they want to incorporate change in the holidays is empowering.
Get support. Adapting to loss can be challenging for families. If you or your child need additional support family, individual, and group counseling are options to consider. It is important to follow a child’s lead and make sure you are pursuing the avenue that works best for him or her. Holidays can bring a lot of anxiety and mixed emotions. Many grieving children will tell you that they worry about how the day is going to go. It is important that you have coping skills and ways to self-soothe in place for the few days/weeks leading up to the holiday and have them in place for the few days/weeks afterwards. Reminding children about their go-to coping skills and how to self-soothe is helpful when they are emotionally charged.
Recently, a teen shared that “Grief is like a tattoo; it is with you forever.” Bella lifted her arm and showed the group her tattoo on her forearm and said, “Psalm 46:5.” When we asked about what it represented, she said, “It means God is within me, and I will not fall. To me it means that on heavy grief days when I want to give up or I think I can’t go on, I remember to live for me and my brother and that the pain I am in is temporary.” For Bella, when she thinks about the holidays, it’s about finding little ways to honor her brother.